Frustrated…….nice guy, I’m not!

12

December 16, 2012 by welshcyclist

 

Look at me, I’m a fat middle-aged man, who, doesn’t like being fat, but isn’t self-disciplined enough to do much about it, hates the fact that he’s getting older, isn’t financially secure, with three sons who are in the same boat. On top of that one broken-hearted, another well educated but with a career stifled by the economic circumstances of our country, and the youngest stuck in a job he hates, all of them disheartened about their future prospects, with a partner who deserves so much more than I’ve ever, or will be able to provide!

I feel like a complete failure, and in my eyes, there is no doubt.

I should, and could have done better for them all, I never kept my eye on what mattered most.

While the boys were growing up. I wasn’t there for them. I was supposedly earning a living to support them, but in fact, I was having a good time! Her indoors brought them up, mostly by herself, single handedly, what’s more, she did a great job, they’re all good lads.

38, 36 and 34 years old. What have I given them? What is my legacy? If I’m honest, sweet F A!

This world is a cruel place, where we examine our situation, compare, disseminate, procrastinate, all to no avail. Why has life become so complicated? Why is it that both, the love of my life and my lads are suffering so? Can it be blamed on the sins of the father (me)? There have been so many. I regret so much.

Yet, I haven’t killed anyone, I’m not a whatever……., not that bad?? Am I?

But, I do know this, I’m not a nice guy. If there was an examination to be passed as a nice person, I would have failed. Bitter, negative, uptight, selfish…….that’s me!

Oh yes, I believe myself to be a thinker, an arguer, ever so clever, etc., but it’s all self-aggrandisement!

I’m in the autumn of my life, and I need to sort so many things out, now, for those I love most. Quite frankly, before it’s too late. I’ve got to do my best to confront the blur on the horizon, of this temporary thing, that is my life.

Where do I start?

A cycle ride in the morning, I’ll have to take it from there.

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Frustrated…….nice guy, I’m not!

  1. tootlepedal says:

    Cycling is the best cure for almost everything. You can’t cure everything in one go so don’t beat yourself up too much. Just try to do some small worthwhile thing every day. There are very few people who don’t live with terrible regrets. The trick is not to let them eat into your soul.

    • welshcyclist says:

      Thanks for taking the time to respond to my outpouring, was feeling pretty down, and let my despondency get to me, or, as you say “eat into my soul”. I’m never down for too long. Thanks again,

  2. Make it your goal to covert them to cyclists, if they already are then you have a great legacy already.

    My legacy, should I die tomorrow is a nicely worn in Rohloff on a beautiful blue frame elegantly made of the finest steel tubing.

    Live for today because it is what you do now that matters and you can’t change the past. Make amends, give your family your time and things will come right. Turn off the tv permanently, talk more, listen more and you will be a better person than most. I know you help your family, even small things like dropping your son at work early in the morning, they should appreciate these things and if they don’t then make them see.

    Chin up and please let us know if the ride did cheer you up.

    Happy last minute shopping!

    • welshcyclist says:

      A ride always cheers me up, if I’m feeling downhearted or there’s alot on my mind, and my ride last Monday morning did just that. All my lads have bikes, though they ride rarely. Hope my post didn’t get you down too much.

    • cyclingcoder says:

      My friends father was a very keen cyclist and he left my friend a beautiful steel racing bike when he died.

      Shame my mate continued smoking and can’t ride for toffee, he probably has less stamina than my mum!

      However, he does feel guilty about it, so one day I’ll get him back in the saddle and doing LEJOG.

  3. A tough, perhaps overly harsh self anal followed by a physical meditation… Your wrap up is so beautiful, poignant!

    • welshcyclist says:

      I’m flattered, but not overly harsh on myself. Just in awe of the woman I have been married to, for over 40 years now. If everything had been left for me to deal with, I don’t know where we, as a family, would be. She is definitely the wheels on which our family has gone forward, I simply can’t take any of the credit. Like most men, I suspect, I’m still a boy waiting to grow up. That’s why cycling is so important to me, when I’m out riding I become that callow youth I once was. Even with careers, these days, women are still the home builders, men, for the most part, are rarely up to it. One of my biggest regrets, which is, probably, borne out of male selfishness, is, I don’t believe my wife/partner has had as much fun in her life as me. As I said in my post, while I was away “working”, I really had a great time, while my better half held it all together, with all the responsibility of bringing up three young boys.

      • Great you recognize all this! She can appreciate your recognition… but don’t sell yourself short… she wouldn’t have done it without you as well. I get it, I’m the home support system, and have realized I have had some bennies and freedoms from taking the traditional role.

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